what it means to be alive Buffy and Angel
by MCR.FAN.KillJoy
Summary: Buffy and Angel are married and Buffy is pregnate somthing is wrong though.


What It Means To Be Alive

By Buffy Anderson

**Chapter 1**

There was a hail of applause as Angel stepped from the Stage. He felt as though his internal organs were running on hamster wheels. His hands were shaking. He hated stages. He wouldn't admit that though, so he was hard pressed to find a reason not to speak at the UCLA Law School graduation. Maybe they would get a few good applicants out of it, he reasoned.

Buffy was waiting for him by the car, a huge grin on her face. She was positively giddy. "You did good Angel!"

He hugged her, still feeling a little shaken. He had awful stage fright. He shook himself from that, though, and kissed his girlfriend. She was beautiful today, more glowing than he had ever seen her.

He excused himself to go into the building designated for after the ceremony to mingle with the crowd of young graduates. Talking to the young men and women had been part of the deal. Buffy made her way to the refreshment table inside. She was glad the building was air conditioned.

Angel didn't mind mingling as much as he thought he would. Some of the graduates were actually interesting. He gave out a standard generic Wolfram and Hart business card to about twenty graduates, hoping two or three would apply to the company. He only wanted the best of the best.

Will would be waiting for him at the office. He was holding down the fort while Angel had been giving his speech. Will had helped him compose the speech, which had helped with Angel's nerves a little. Having someone else tell him what he had written was good had been a confidence booster.

After a few hours, he and Buffy slid into the back of the car and headed back towards the office. She looked a little tired. "We can go home if you want. I'll make you cupcakes."

"Hmmm... cupcakes. No, I'm okay. I want you to go to work. And I should do some work too."

He had assured Buffy that she never needed to work again if she didn't want to, but she had laughed at him, saying a life of ease and luxury was not for her. She wanted to work,

Buffy had explored other avenues of careers before going to Wolfram and Hart. She had looked at a book store, a coffee shop, a department store. They seemed boring. Normal. Too normal for her. When she had walked into Wolfram and Hart after a couple weeks of searching and watched Grahalix demons walk past her, she knew she had found where she wanted to be. Angel didn't have to think twice about hiring her. She was expecting some low level position, maybe even a secretarial position with some other executive. Instead, she found herself with a small corner office on the third floor of the building.

Angel had seen a position for her even before she had asked him for a job. He had hoped she would want to work there because he knew exactly where he wanted her to work. She was heading up the Insurgent Control division. Angel had been striving not only to erase a good portion of demons from the planet, but to get the ones that could live peacefully or without harming humans to do so. Solving every war that came up between demon factions and families was more than anyone running another department could handle.

He had created the position with Buffy in mind, and for a few months, the chairmanship had gone unoccupied. When Buffy took the helm, a lot of rebellions were squashed with 24 hours. Not many demons wanted to deal with the infamous slayer. Buffy had proven very good at negotiations, though, and once she overcame her first reaction to kill the clients, she was able to reason with them rather well.

More than one war had been stopped because Buffy was sensitive to both sides, and had both sides compromise. Angel couldn't imagine how many human lives had been saved already by her efforts. She was sensitive and could be slow to anger when she wanted to be. And most of the time, she was given a level of respect and deference that no one else Angel could have hired would have been given. Her status in the demon community was often enough to make peace.

Xander had not faired any better than Buffy in the job market. Neither had college degrees, and the only marketable skills either one had were to do with demons and apocalypses. And there weren't many markets for those skills. Xander had found his niche in personnel. It sounded unglamorous, but he had huge amounts of responsibilities.

People that worked for Wolfram and Hart did not only undergo background checks. They were thoroughly sifted until they were judged to be of a high enough caliber to work at Wolfram and Hart. Xander's primary role was to ferret out people who had slipped through the sifting process. Angel didn't want to think of his job as some kind of Orwellian creation, but it sometimes was unsavory.

Xander excelled at unsavory. He found out who was not above approach and then figured out why and what they were doing. He was the internal police of Wolfram and Hart. That meant he traveled a lot, a fact that he liked very much. He couldn't be stagnant for very long. He went to every Wolfram and Hart branch, looking for traitors. He had found quite a few in the five months he had been with the company.

Angel had given him full reign and a long leash. Xander's official title was Employee Wellness Coordinator. He liked he humor in that. He could commandeer anything he needed to, including cars, jets, and the like. He had a practically limitless company credit card, and his disarming smile and easy demeanor immediately put people at ease. Angel had toyed with the idea of giving Xander control of the fate of the employees he found, but had decided against it after careful consideration. He would leave that up to Will. Will was better suited to tasks like that.

Xander had stayed with Angel and Buffy for a month, until he found his own place. Angel hadn't minded his company all that much, and the guest house had afforded both Xander and the loving couple an acceptable level of privacy. Xander liked his anonymity.

He worked under a lot of pseudo names. The only time he used his real name was when he was at the LA branch. That had been about half the time he had worked there. The other half of the time he was traveling the globe. He loved the lifestyle.

Fred was on maternity leave, and had been for two months. For the last month of her pregnancy she had been on strict bed rest. She hadn't followed those orders, but she had taken time from work. She refused to ask Wesley to take so much time off just to make her a sandwich because she couldn't get out of bed to do it herself. No amount of negotiating could move her on that matter. Wesley hadn't protested all that much.

She had given birth two weeks ago to a baby girl. Wes had chosen Allyson for the name. She had a shock of dark hair on her head, even when she was first born, and she had dark eyes like her father. Wes had taken two weeks off, one right before the birth and one right after, but Fred had kicked him out after that. Apparently he was a little too doting. Wes was doing a lot less overtime, now, though.

Gunn had stopped dating Luciana. She was a little too demanding of his time, he said. For some reason, she had felt the need to complain about his seventy hour work weeks. He needed a woman who could understand his work, he explained. He didn't seem in any hurry to find that woman.

Dawn was going to be arriving soon. She had found an apartment, with Angel's help, and would be moved in within the week. She had graduated at the top of her class and the Council had been pushing hard to recruit her, but she wanted none of it. She had her eye on a prize and she could not be dissuaded.

William had been a little apprehensive about Dawn moving to LA. He had managed to deny her for the weeks she stayed with Angel, but he wondered if she would still have her eye on him. He hoped not. That would be more awkward than he could handle. She had already applied for a position in Wesley's department, and Wesley had been eager to have her. She was trustworthy, knowledgeable and worked well with others. His current employees only had two out of three of those qualities. It would be a pleasant change to have someone in his department that had once left the library to have a life.

Angel reached across the car and put his hand on Buffy's rapidly expanded stomach. His joy had outweighed his shock. Apparently, Buffy hadn't been on any kind of birth control, as he had assumed that first day they reconnected. She had forgotten he wasn't a vampire in that regard. Six months later, and he was preparing a nursery.

He was sure he wanted to be a father. If men had biological clocks, his was ticking.

Buffy had been shocked. Then she had been elated. Once he shared how happy he was with her, her joy had doubled. She had bought a dozen baby books within the first week of finding out she was pregnant. Angel had read them too, not wanting to rouse her suspicions. He also figured he could use a little help from the books.

As they pulled into the parking lot of the law firm, he wondered what surprises his job had in store for him today.

.

**Chapter 2**

Wes was pacing. He wanted to go home. He wanted to hold his baby and kiss his wife. He wanted to tell Angel about the note he had received. His nerves were frayed and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Someone knew Buffy was pregnate. They were going to tell her, they were going to tell everyone. Angel would lose his family.

Shaking himself, he decided no one was going to know not even Angel. He wasn't going to let anyone find out. It was his secret. He hadn't really done anything wrong, he reasoned. It had worked out for the best. No one should get hurt, no one was the worse for what had happened. So, how could anyone threaten him with this?

He looked at the note. He had to find out who sent it and why. He knew why, he chided himself. He worked for a formerly evil company that now fought evil. A lot of people had been put out by that. Buffy was an easy target. Buffy's pregnancy was well known, Will was beyond reproach as far as everyone knew, and Gunn had nothing to be threatened with. Buffy and the baby was the best target.

Well, he wasn't going to let that happen, he decided. He was going to find whoever sent the note and he as going to kill them. Then he would destroy all evidence of the activities. He calmed himself. He could fix this. There wasn't a problem he couldn't solve. But he would need help someone he could trust.

Will finished the letter he was writing commending the leader on his compromise with a neighboring clan. Russia would be a little safer without those two old families at each other's throats. Buffy had sent him a summary of the proceedings and had already closed the file, but he knew the leader and knew that the old demon would want a higher up to congratulate his fine intelligence and bravery. The demon needed a little ego stroking.

Looking at the clock, he wondered how Angel's speech had gone. He knew Angel had wicked stage fright, but the speech was good and Angel would pull it together at the last minute, he was sure. He was more worried about Buffy. Demons knew about her pregnany to well they know a slayer baby could be of good use

Will knew Angel was excited to be a father. He had never seen the man so on task, so focused, before. He was thrilled for his friend. Will also saw Angel's fear, though. That was fair, given his history with his childhood . Will wasn't supposed to know about that. No one was; Angel had seen to that. Will had his informants, though, and he had ways of finding information no one else could.

Dawn's upcoming arrival excited and worried him. She had called him a few days ago to say she would arrive in the next two or three days. She was excited to see him, she said. He was happy to see her, too, but the edge in her voice made him squirm. He knew that tone. Will had almost been depressed to see her leave in January when her responsibilities at school had called her away again. She had kissed his cheek and whispered an "I'll see you soon" in his ear. Her voice had been rather seductive.

He had more important things to worry about right now, though. Wes had been spooked all day. Ever since a courier brought him a letter when they first arrived at the office, Wes had secreted himself away and hadn't answered any calls. Will knew when to look into things and when to let things go. This required looking in to. He wouldn't worry Angel yet, and he didn't think Buffy had noticed, which was good. He needed time to sort it out before Wes did anything stupid. Will was more aware than most of what Wesley was capable of. If he felt cornered, he got sloppy.

Picking up the phone, he dialed Wes's secretary and had her set up a lunch date for him and Wes. He had to verbally pet her a little, she needed some cajoling, but she did it. Wes had given her orders that he did not want to be disturbed, but his secretary seemed willing to disobey those orders for an important meeting. He was good at what he did, he thought. He had to give himself credit for that.

**Chapter 3**

Buffy wanted to lie in front of the air conditioning vent and eat chocolate cake. She wanted a back rub and a neck massage. She just couldn't figure out in which order she wanted to do these things.

Angel had rushed back to his office with a purposeful stride. He had gotten a call while they were in the elevator stating a clan was in his office and they were a tad upset. Upset enough to kill a goat sacrifice on Angel's floor while invoking a few different Gods to smite Angel. Buffy wasn't impressed, but Angel had to go keep the peace.

She walked to her office alone. _Fat and alone,_ she thought. She knew she was going to get bigger still, but for the moment, she wanted to wallow in the fact that she was huge. Angel loved it, he said she glowed. She said she couldn't tie her shoes. They were currently at a standoff.

After calling Giles and expressing the good news, she had asked him about Slayers having children. He had told her there had never been a Slayer that had a child. She was going to be the first. That scared her a little. There was no telling how her body would react to being pregnant. She had never been regular; the stress of her life and the constant strain on her body had done a number on her reproductive system.

_It figures,_ she thought, _the one time I ovulate in, like, seven years is the same day I get some. That's my luck._

She was grateful though. She had never thought about being a mom. Well, she had, but fleetingly. She had never thought she would live long enough to have children. Now, she wanted a bunch. She was considering adoption, though, because this was brutal.

When she had a craving, she got violent. It meant that she had been with clients less and less over the past two months, because her hormones were making her emotions unpredictable. Once the morning sickness stopped, which she would be eternally happy about, the cravings had started. It seemed that whatever normal women went through, she was going to experience three fold. She hadn't been sick in the morning; but the baby books all said morning sickness could happen any time.

She had ended up in the med-lab twice to be treated for dehydration. They had given her a prescription for Compazine and that had helped a little with the vomiting. Angel had hovered over her for months. He was constantly worried about her, which she found endearing but also a little annoying. She had finally gotten mad, and in a fit of hormones, and quiet talking to him for a month things were better though now.

_Dawn was the most excited of everyone,_ Buffy thought. She went on and on about baby names, and a shower, and being an aunt. Buffy found her excitement contagious. The first few months had been difficult, but Dawn brightened her outlook on the situation every time Buffy thought she couldn't handle it.

Angel had started preparing a nursery only a few weeks after they confirmed she was pregnant. He had spent countless nights painting the spare bedroom across the hall from theirs. There was now an entire solar system on the walls. It was adobe red, with yellows and pinks and blues. It was a beautiful manifesto. It looked like wallpaper, but Buffy knew every line, every dot, had been painted by Angel. He claimed he still needed a couple days to finish it. He only had a couple months, she had told him, she was due in thirteen weeks. She had given him total control over the Nursery project.

She felt she had enough to deal with. She liked her work, but it was challenging. She was on the phone constantly, speaking through translators. She had traveled once, before she had known she was pregnant, but once she had found out, she and Angel had decided that would no longer be a good idea. Some clan leaders wouldn't come to her, so she was forced to telecommute a lot. Not that she minded, it saved her a lot of jet lag.

She looked up at a knock at her door and smiled as Will came in. He came bearing gifts. In his hands were nice little white boxes which she was sure had come from a bakery.

"You shouldn't have."

"Really? I'll just take these back then." He started moving back towards the door.

"Stakes kill hybrids too, I think." Her voice was sweet and he laughed. He opened the boxes for her and handed her a huge chocolate cupcake. He knew her well.

Moans of pleasure escaped her lips and he threw his head back and laughed. She had a serious sweet tooth now that she was pregnant.

"How's the rug rat in there doin'?" He sat in front of her desk

"You're the best. He's good. She's good. I can't call it an it, you know? I want to be surprised. I think Angel wants to know, but he's a control freak. I need to be surprised. He started kicking this afternoon during Angel's speech. I think my bladder's bruised."

She was only half joking. The doctors told her the child would have her strength, or Angel's strength, or maybe both put together. She could be carrying Superman. They told her the child's senses would be enhanced, but probably not as much as Angel's. The doctors also told her she very well might have bruised organs if the child kicked too hard.

So far, though, her and baby, as she called the being inside her, had an agreement. Baby seemed to know just how much he could kick without hurting his mom. He seemed to know how much she could take.

"You look great Buffy." He meant it.

"Thanks, I feel fat but good."

"You're not fat, you're pregnant. Big difference. And you look beautiful. And that baby is going to be beautiful. You're sure you don't want to know what it is?" He was as curious as Angel.

She laughed, they were incorrigible, really. "No, I don't. And don't go looking for that answer, either."

"Yes ma'am. I've got to back upstairs. I'll see you later?" Rising, he waited for her to nod in between chews and left. He was confident she was going to be a great mom.

He had other things to do than find out the sex of her kid, he told himself. Wesley would be leaving in a few minutes and his opening was small. Making his way towards Wes's office, he hid in a dark corner in the hallway and watched as the two men passed by him. Gunn was talking a mile a minute and Wes looked more distracted than usual.

He ducked into Wes's office as soon as they had rounded the corner. He went to the desk first. Well, the table, he corrected himself. There was nothing particularly interesting there. There wasn't much of interest in the garbage either. He looked around, wondering where Wesley would put a secret hidey hole.

The picture. The only picture on the left wall. Indeed, there was a tiny compartment behind the Asian print. He smirked and entered the code on the touch pad. He was a dangerous man when he wanted to be, and Wes could be surprisingly predictable sometimes.

A compartment in the opposite wall opened. He went to it quickly. Knowing Wes, it closed after a set period of time. There was a stack of papers. He grabbed the most recent just before the compartment closed. Flipping through the file, he found a note wedged in the middle. The file was boring, nothing to hide away, but the perfect place to hide something was within something boring.

Looking at the note, his face paled for a moment. This wasn't good. He reentered the code that opened the compartment and put the note back as quick as he could. The note went back exactly where it had been. He walked at a pace just slower than a jog out of Wes's office and ducked into a corridor just as Wesley ran down the hallway and threw the door to his office open. Will ran silently down the hall and rounded the corner just as Wes turned around.

.

**Chapter 4**

They sat down in the firm's cafeteria. Gunn was digging into his salad. Wes ate his tofu pasta a little slower, commenting on Gunn's ideas about the Bradford case. They had been meaning to get together all week to discuss it.

When Gunn looked up and took a drink, he said "I'm glad you agreed to have lunch. I thought this was never going to get done."

Wesley froze. "You called me. said you wanted to have lunch today I couldnt refuse but im in a bit of a hurry Gunn let move on please."

"I have the file on my computer if you want we can get to work tommoro since your in a rush man?."

Wes was up and speed walking before Gunn finished his statement. He ran to the elevator banks, pushing a few people out of the way to get on. He barely contained himself while waiting to get to his office. When the elevator doors opened, he ran down the hall and flung the office doors open.

He was out of breath, There was no one in his office but his picture was moved. He turned when he thought he heard something, but no one was in the hall. Going to his secretary's desk, he slammed his hands down in front of her. She jumped and looked at him with wide eyes.

"Who was in my office?"

"Mr. Benson. He said it was on Mr.o'connor's behalf. I..."

"Why didn't you tell me that?" He was trying to remain calm he was angry at William that was for sure, attracting the attention of everyone in the hall. People were poking their heads out of their offices to stare at him. "What are we paying you people for?" His voice boomed down the hallway and everyone promptly went into offices and shut their doors.

Wesley took the stairs to Will's office, two floors above his own. He didn't have the patience to wait for an elevator. He didn't knock.

Will looked peaceful, a little surprised at Wesley's intrusion. "What can I do you for, Wes my mate?"

"What were you doing in my office?"

"Going through your personal files." He leaned back in his chair and gently put his hands on the arm rests. Wesley looked as if he didn't know whether to be shocked or furious at Will's honesty. He looked like he was going to lean towards furious.

"What the hell were you doing?"

"What the hell kind of person would keep this a secret! I wonder what Angel will think." The last statement was laced with sarcasm; he knew exactly why Wes had hid the note. He stood, now, his own anger rising. "What were you thinking? Wes, you could have..."

"Shut up, Will! I know the consequences!."

"You're a fool. Now we have to fix this. Not just you, Wes, oh no. This is my problem now too. I'm not leaving you alone on this; you'll f*k it up even more. You've got no faith, that's your problem."

"Faith in what, William?" His anger had turned to grief quickly. Will understood what Wes had done and why, but he didn't approve in the least.

"We're going to fix this. Tonight. Tell Fred you're working late." He took a seat at his desk again and went back to papers in front of him.

Wesley was not used to being dismissed. He wasn't used to people breaking into office suddenly knew what the employees Xander went after felt like. His anger was rising again. _How dare Will order him around Wesley,_ superior, technically. Wes didn't fully admit that to himself, though. He didn't think of Angel as his boss either. He was an entity that operated out of Wolfram and Hart. He didn't answer to anyone.

Except Will, it seemed. And Will seemed awfully sure Wes could not handle this on his own. Wesley rebelled at that. Everything inside of him rebelled at that. Will did not know that he couldn't handle it. Suddenly feeling as if the world was turning against him and he was the only sane man left alive, he left the building. He was going to take care of this now, without that annoying ex-vampire.

He made his way to the elevator banks at the same time Will grabbed his things and ran to Angel's private elevator. Will hoped he would get to the ground floor before Wesley did. The elevator was nonstop, though, and the one Wesley was on was not.

Will watched Angel and Buffy leave. going to Angel's office he left a note getting Wesley's hand writing pefect he left a note _need the day off_.

**Chapter 5**

Buffy and Angel were going home. She was tired, more so than she wanted to admit. He cooked her dinner when they got home, and they both to sleep.

Angel snuck out of bed and went to his office sketching a few drawings of Buffy, He listened suddenly as he heard her getting up he went to the kitchen and pulled out a tea bag and cup he had never made tea so fast in all his life. When she came downstairs she saw Angel dunking a tea bag in hot water a few times.

She frowned "Are you okay" a little worried.

"I'll be fine. I just can't sleep" he smiled

She nodded her understanding and sat with him at the table. They talked about their day, something they had started doing at dinner

When he saw her start to drift to sleep as she sat, he rose and helped her up the stairs _She was so beautiful_ he thought_ so perfect._Nothing in the world could make him ruin their relationship as it was now. They had become so close, restored so much faith in each other, he knew he could do nothing to jeopardize that. He rubbed her belly as they lay in bed, wanting to listen to the heart beat of his baby for a little while longer. He fell asleep to the steady and fast rhythm of a fetal heart tone.


End file.
